Somebody Someday, and the Curse of Ambitons...

I was told the other day that the only reason why I wanted something to work out was because I can't stand the thought of looking like I had failed, not because of the actual failing.
My first thought was shock, then it traveled through hurt and ended up somewhere in anger with no directions on how to get out. I have to admit, I have a horrible temper, I have lots of faults ( don't we all?) Even though this comment really hurt, the anger subsided and has caused me to look deeper into my own swiss cheese of a head. Somebody Someday.

So my journey begins, travel with me if you dare...

I go deep into my mind...

....deeper.....through the cerebrum.... past the thalamus.......
Hello Mr. Hypothalamus (He controls my hormones and triggers me to wake up) He seems to be sleeping with a "tent pitched." Hmm.. that explains why I have a hard time waking up and I am always horny....it appears that Mr. Hypothalamus is a lazy and perverted bastard....
traveling deeper...

Ugg Me want cheese, me like cheese, me love cheese... whoops back up a little... my primitive brain seems to like cheese....

and we arrive..

I am sure that my brain is just like anyone else's... maybe a few less cells, but oh was the time worth the loss of those guys. I spend a moment replaying taps in my mind and bowing my head. For those glorious cells gave the ultimate sacrifice so that others could have such wonderful memories....

Fair Winds and Following Seas my matey's..



Well, about me. I am just like anyone one else I want to be loved, wanted, blah blah blah.... yep all standard stuff here... but wait whats that? It's really bright, just hard to see under all of this crap..... ah.. it's my ambition.... as I uncover it, it's larger than it appears.... ah yes, I remember what its doing tucked away in this far corner ...
I remember a time when my own ambition was a curse. I never was quite happy with where I was at, I used this unhappiness to drive me to be a better person.... to be somebody someday..
Unfortunately this unhealthy drive ended up hurting the ones I loved, and I am truly saddened by this. For the chase for the cheese brought only despair to those around me.

So I buried it...

Since then I have been happy with where I am at, a little too happy. So i uncover some of it, not all of it. a little green man with big pointy ears once told me"the curse of your ambitions, strong it is, strength flows from the curse. Hmmm... But beware of the dark side." Somebody Someday.
Now to the real reason we took this journey, to find out what drives me
a) the thought of looking like I had failed
b) the actual failing itself.
I look around.. I see lots of emotions, all strewn about. Hastily discarded and half buried. Buried only good enough to take the sting away, some happy ones buried too. Will have to come back and look into that later.

Strange there was some truth in the persons accusations.

I would have to say I do hate the failing part, But I also hate failing in someone else's eyes. But I do not hate it for making me look bad. I really don't give a *@%# what people think. It is the failing the people I love. I want to succeed, not for me, but for them, My Wife, My Kids, My Family...I guess a little part of me doesn't want to let me down either. Somebody Someday.

As I leave the inner works of my mind, I brush past a memory. It's of a song, it's tied with so many emotions both recent and so long ago..

When I was just sixteen I stood waiting for a dream
A barker street bus station non affair
At the time it seemed so sad, but it did not turn out bad
If you hadn't messed me up I'd still be there
And I think most folks agree, a little put-down makes them see
They aint no chain - just a link and that's why you made me think
Gonna be somebody - be somebody - be somebody - someday

Irene Wilde- Ian Hunter

I feel the emotion pass through me like the first crisp fall night breeze, no longer of harsh cold of hurt and pain but of a sweetness that makes me who I am.
I am Somebody..